You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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