The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
