phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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