Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
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The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
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I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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