Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
