She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
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Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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