dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
