the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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