It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
