we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
