Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
