im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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