the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
