When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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