Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
