The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
