allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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