i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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