I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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