Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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