were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
