and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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