I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
