Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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