In the future we'll all be gay
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
