wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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