there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
