Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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