dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
