Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
40s are totally the cure
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
