There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
