I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
