It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
