i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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