Will you blow on my dice?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
