conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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