My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
