Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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