never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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