you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
