Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
