o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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