are you still at the devil's house?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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