sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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