If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
