First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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