My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
