My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You have to summon your inner elephant
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
