Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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