he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
