So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
