So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
