so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
