You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
