...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
