considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
