Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
