alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
